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Sun umbrellas are still a violation of man law

Long-time readers of The Daily Cougar might recall a certain weekly column, which ran in the Life ‘ Arts section, which went by the name of Man Issues. In this column, the fearless Judge Dredd provided various Commandments of Man Decree and took it upon himself to talk about anyone who violated them, while praising those who obliged to them.

Due to certain acts of sissiness that will be addressed later in the column, Judge Dredd has returned with a vengeance to smite violators of the Commandments of Man Decree and create amendments, most of which will apply to the world of sports.

Amendment No. 1: No real man shall leave a football game early to beat the traffic. The exemptions for the commandment are as follows:

– It’s the fourth quarter of the game and your team is getting pounded by 40 points or more.

– You’re at an Arena Football League game.

– A Category 5 hurricane is on a collision course with the stadium.

– The team’s cheerleaders invite you to a private hot tub party, in which case TiVo might come in handy.

Violators of this amendment will be punished in the most excruciating manner. How does wearing a tiara while watching 20-consecutive hours of Steel Magnolias or Terms of Endearment sound?

Judge Dredd will make sure the punishment is 10 times worse than that.

And one more thing. Judge Dredd really isn’t calling anyone out, but he’s come to find out that certain high profile individuals were spotted sharing an umbrella to escape the hot summer sun.

Come on guys. That’s Commandment No. 1: No using umbrellas unless carrying manly documents, weathering a hurricane or escorting a hot chick in the rain.

Nowhere in the commandments is there any mentioning of using an umbrella to escape the sun.

Manly Act of the Week

We need more Hulk Hogan-like acts of manliness in the world today. In a recent episode of Hogan Knows Best, which Judge Dredd just happened to flip to while channel surfing, Hogan just might have committed the manliest act of the year.

After Hogan’s wife and daughter tried to convince him to sport an expensive, designer man-purse, he immediately refused. This would have been enough to validate anyone’s testicular fortitude, but he took it a step further.

His wife persisted and bought the man-purse anyway. Hogan’s daughter tried to put the purse on him – this act resulted in the Manly Act of the Week.

He snatched the man-purse and hurled it, in disgust, into a nearby fountain filled with water, ruining the $500 accessory.

"Do you know who I am?" Hogan said while walking away with a clear hatred of all things ‘sissy’ in his eyes. "I’m Hulk Hogan. I’m the (expletive deleted) world champion."

It doesn’t get any manlier than that.

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