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Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Sports

Judge Dredd bids farewell


The reign of terror is virtually at an end. A certain self-proclaimed judge is on the way out and so, too, will go the creator of Fighting Words, the 11 Commandments of Man Decree, references to laser eyes in relation to sports figures and, of course, the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame.

This would usually be the part in a farewell column when the columnist reveals his secrets and feelings about how much he loves his craft and the city or paper he’s written for. Anyone familiar with anything Judge Dredd has done during the last four years at The Daily Cougar knows it isn’t going down like that.

Judge Dredd is going to use the this opportunity to write in the third person, reinforce a few Commandments of Man Decree and tell the awesome, and possibly fictional, story of how the journalistic icon known as Judge Dredd came to be.

In the beginning, there was God. He created the earth in seven days and said it was good. A lot of other stuff happened in between: floods, famine and world wars. Then somehow, Dan Marino, Wonder Woman, Darth Vader and Flo-Jo got together and made a baby. That baby was named Judge Dredd.

Judge Dredd was born with laser eyes and a crazy amount of sports knowledge. All four of his parents noticed Judge Dredd exhibited little emotion as an infant, except when it came to watching Miami Dolphins and New York Knicks games.

Growing up, Judge Dredd used his laser eyes to exterminate individuals who were foolish enough to question his sports team loyalties. As time passed, Judge Dredd realized it would be convenient to create a secret identity because of the multiple warrants he had for using his laser eyes in crowded public areas.

Enter Chris Elliott, the mild-mannered student sports reporter with a thing for fast cars, fast bikes and hot chicks.

Using the slightly less manly and awesome persona of Elliott to do his bidding, Judge Dredd enrolled at UH and started a career as a journalist, writing for The Daily Cougar. This opened up the door for various forms of sports-related propagandistic expression, including Fighting Words (the forum with a twist) the 11 Commandments of Man Decree and the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame, whose first inductee was the legendary Bruce Lee.

Creativity was not Judge Dredd’s strong suit, as he chose to use his real name to slug his columns. Plus, he constantly spoke of his exploits of using laser eyes in both columns and Fighting Words, which defeats the purpose of having a secret identity in the first place.

That’s pretty much the story of Judge Dredd. He hopes his four years spent writing for The Daily Cougar helped to better the lives of dudes across campus. However, just in case a few men out there missed out, take one last look at Judge Dredd’s 11 Commandments of Man Decree and obey without question. If not, the consequences could be deadly.

1) No umbrellas. A man shall not spend his own money on an umbrella he plans to use for himself. This is considered an act of sissyness. Circumstances in which a man can use an umbrella: during a Category 3 or above hurricane, when transporting manly documents, such as sports stats, and when escorting a hot chick.

2) All physically able men must have played some kind of sport in his lifetime.

3) You must have watched at least one game of Monday Night Football in your lifetime.

4) It is not cool to wear a pink shirt – ever. Who came up with that idea anyway? Yeah. Let’s wear a color that moms dress their newborn girls in. Let’s not. There’s a reason why the pink Power Ranger was always cast as some chick in high school.

5) Once you exceed the age of 10, it is not acceptable to cry at a movie.

6) It is not OK to go see a chick flick without a chick. Real men don’t go to movies to explore their feelings. They go to see violence, action, sports and humor.

7) There will be a five steak-and-potato meal per year minimum.

8) Under no circumstances shall a man willingly sit on the driver’s side of a new Volkswagen Beetle.

9) There will be no drinking after another man. If your lips touch his spit spot, this counts as kissing.

10) Slapping another guy’s butt will only be permitted on the football field, by an actual football player, and, in certain circumstances, on a basketball court.

11) While at the urinal, eyes forward at all times. Manhood will be revoked if any man shifts his eyes to his neighbor while at a urinal.


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