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Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Life + Arts

Valentine’s Day not only for lovers, but also pranksters

One of the funnest things I have ever done on Valentine’s Day occurred during a health fair at the college I attended before transferring to UH.

I took all of the books out of my backpack, walked up to trays of condoms that were on display and dumped them into my backpack. By the end of the day, I had made off with hundreds of free condoms.

So if you find yourself alone with a plethora of condoms this Valentine’s Day, there’s still a lot of amusement to be had.

First off, you can try burning a condom. The smell of burning latex and lubricant is what I imagine robot sex smells like. The only warning here is that you don’t want to drip hot, melted condom on yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up with a condom burn on Valentines Day.

If you have a hard surface, you can place clear packing tape on it and draw out a chessboard. Then, you can use your condoms for chess pieces.

Many health fairs hand out more than one type of condom handed, so it should be easy to decide which condoms are which pieces. (I used a strawberry-flavored condom for my queen and a Magnum for my king).

The same rules apply for what I call “prophylactic checkers.”

There is also a long list of practical jokes you can pull on your peers. Perhaps the easiest trick is to put a small amount of conditioner into a condom and leave it in your roommate’s bed.

This will really upset him (and I say him because a girl probably won’t be cool with this) because, for some strange reason, people don’t like to see what appear to be used condoms in their beds. But a bed isn’t the only great place to leave your love balloons: door handles, church pews, your teacher’s desk, the seats at a movie theater, etc.

However, the best place to put a condom is around the showerhead. People rarely look at the showerhead in the morning. The condom fills before hitting your victim in the face with a balloon of water.

If prophylactics are funny when they are flaccid, they’re even more humorous in the balloon state. So, blow up as many condoms as you can and fill up a friend’s car.  You could apply this to someone’s room, but that takes too much time and leaves you winded with no real sense of satisfaction.

Another great idea is to fill them up with water. Believe it or not, condoms are larger and more durable than regular water balloons.

There is also a special technique to make the perfect condom balloon. Even though they can get quite large, it’s a rookie mistake to overfill your condoms. You can’t throw it if it is too big; it will just end up popping all over you.

Be aware that some condoms have holes in them. Nothing is more frightening than filling up a condom to see it leaking water. But since you are alone, just be thankful that you did not take place in safe sex roulette this year.

Freezing is about the only activity I don’t condone. Condom circles are not nearly as funny as you think. Plus, if you throw it at someone you have just ruined all of your condom joy.

If you decide to do any or all of these things, rest assured that this Valentine’s Day you will not feel the lonely chill of eating a heart-shaped box of chocolates all by yourself.

The downside is that when you actually need a condom, you will have used them for non-sexual activities, leaving you to wonder if burning a condom was the best idea.

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