Survival guide: How to identify, avoid hipsters

Hipsters. They are part of a subculture that defies definition. They make up the clergy of the church of ironic self-expression — and they tend to congregate on college campuses. Here are a few tips on how to spot a hipster, and what to do if you offend one with your mainstream interests.

The most obvious indication of whether or not someone is a hipster is their choice of clothing. The favorite accessory of a hipster is irony. Hipsters try to work irony into every outfit they wear. A hipster will display his or her sense of irony through an ironic tee, a ’20s style hat worn with a pair of leggings from the ’80s and a dress from the ’70s with a pair of moccasins, a bowler hat worn with a pair of thick rimmed glasses from the ’50s and a Metallica shirt under a cardigan.

Hipsters are the schizophrenics of fashion. It is as if hipsters throw their clothes all over the floor of their closets every morning and then get dressed in the dark. Their choice of clothing indicates a lack of originality. Hipsters are fashions kleptos—they like to collect items from other decades and pass them off as their own. This is where the true irony lies.

Another way to spot a hipster is their taste in music. Hipsters enjoy music that is so obscure that sometimes they have never even heard of the band. The klepto aspect of hipster culture kicks in here too. Hipster bands like incorporating multiple genres into their music.

Hipsters like bluegrass and blues, even though they grew up in the suburbs and their parents are orthodontists. This is perhaps one of the most perplexing and irritating aspects of hipster culture. They are the Holden Caufields of music, decrying the musical tastes of others and calling them phonies — when they are the true phonies.

Hipsters can also be spotted through their attitude. Hipsters come across as having a holier-than-thou attitude. They try to hide this through a false sense of modesty, but their true feelings are revealed as soon as someone mentions Linkin Park, Microsoft, Starbucks, or American Eagle and their lips start to curl.

If you see a hipster start to curl their lips at you, there are two things you can do to protect yourself. You can attempt fleeing from the hipster, but they will likely catch up to you on their fixed-gear bike or unicycle and force you to listen to their wiki-version of nihilism. Never run from a hipster.

Your best option is to start saying obscure things to the hipster. This will distract the hipster and allow you to slip out quietly. Obscure compound sentences are the best way to go.

These sentences don’t have to be truthful. Improvise. You could say something like, “I heard that Billie Holiday once patched a hole on a submarine with a bowler, but that was before she became an existentialist and started knitting tea cozies for impoverished poor children in her wigwam in the pampas. Or, at least that’s what I heard from my Marxist drug dealer who grew up in the ’60s and now lives under a bridge with his mandolin and loom.”

Sentences like this will distract a hipster and they will immediately try to figure out how they can incorporate this new obscure information into the lyrics of a song, onto a shirt, or a neck tattoo. You can now slowly slip out of the room.

You may be experiencing a panic attack as you are reading this. If you are struggling with the idea that you may be a hipster, it stands to reason that you are not one. One of the pillars of hipsterism is the utter denial that one is a hipster. You are safe. A true hipster would never admit, or even suspect, that he or she is a hipster.

Self-professed hipsters are actually part of an entirely different group. They are called try-hards — you definitely do not want to be one of those.