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Friday, September 22, 2023

Life + Arts

Royal wedding: unnecessary hysteria

Are you waking up at 4 a.m. on Friday to watch the royal wedding? I’m not. I am experiencing royal wedding burnout that is rapidly developing into British culture burnout.

I yearn for the days when I could procrastinate for hours online and not be assaulted by endless side-by-side pictures comparing the style of Princess Diana and Kate.

I’m sorry, “Catherine.” I want to hear more about Snooki’s weight loss, what bathroom Charlie Sheen is snorting his drugs in, who Suri Cruise is wearing — and I want to read the newest obnoxious quote from Gwyneth Paltrow on why we should all be rich.

And I don’t want to have to search for those articles. I should be able to just go straight to the Yahoo! homepage and see them as headlines. Don’t the editors know what is important?

If I see another italicized or pastel-colored royal wedding headline I am going to dump all of my English Breakfast tea into Lake Houston. I might even do the same with all of my commonwealth teas.

Regina Spektor provides a perfect critique of the royal wedding hysteria on her Facebook page. Since her name means “Queen,” she is a credible source on these matter.

“Perhaps royal people everywhere should apologize for the years of pretending they were somehow chosen by a higher power to rule, enslave and colonize,” Spektor said on her Facebook page. “Instead of holding a déjà vu wedding — a strange costly neurosis playing out on the world’s psyche, they could just admit they aren’t any closer to the top. They can’t pull some strings where it matters.”


I will love Regina Spektor until the day I die — until her glottal stops become a natural result of her senility and inability to remember words, and are no longer just a part of her singing style.

She makes a valid point. The British royal family doesn’t have any real power anymore — and this is rightfully so. Their chief jobs are waving, wearing hats, collecting flowers from well-wishers and looking approachable at pancake-flipping marathons.

Apparently Prince William and Kate Middleton are very promising in these areas, especially in the area of waving. They have decided to use an open palm wave — how progressive of them.

According to The Mirror, an English online publication, “The open palm display signals openness and approachability that is only slightly tempered by the fact that it is very similar to the signal for ‘Stop.’”

Do we really need articles published about the body language of these people?

There has even been a phenomenon lately of people finding the likeness of Middleton in random objects. A British couple apparently found her face on a jellybean and is trying to sell it online. I’m sure they will fetch quite a few pounds for it.

I found myself a victim of this subliminal royal wedding advertising the other day as I was unconsciously finding Her Royal Highness Princess William of Wales’ face in lattes, sidewalks, dirty napkins, and ashtrays. Fortunately, after getting a solid eight hours of sleep I was healed of my royal wedding psychosis.

If there comes a time when it is impossible to fight the royal propaganda, maybe UH could just cash in on the neurosis.

Maybe we could “accidentally” incorporate Kate Middleton’s face into a new sidewalk, or possibly into the layout of an entire building. We would have people transferring in from all over the country to see, not only James Franco, but Kate’s likeness as well.

Let us hope that all of this dies down soon, and the royals go back to their charity work and walking their Corgis.

I hope this happens sooner rather than later, because I’m not sure how long I can go without a cup of Twinings tea.

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