Advice: Closed doors open windows of opportunity

Dear Bryan,

I need help with a relationship problem. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for three years and now that we’ve broken up, everything is just messed up. I can honestly say this — I love her from the bottom of my heart. So, please, can you help me figure out a way to get her back?
Signed,
Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

It’s obvious that the outcome of the relationship is hurting you right now and there are probably a hundred things running through your mind.

I’d understand if you’re anxious to hurry up and reunite with your ex. However, you first need to take a few steps back and look at the entire picture. In other words, you need to sit down and think about what really happened between you and your ex.

Ask yourself a couple of questions: Did she break up with you or did you break up with her? Why did the relationship come to an end? Is there something you did that could have made her take action and cut off the relationship completely? Think back to all the moments you’ve had with her before the break up — what was the mood like between you and her? How was she feeling and, if you can remember, did she say anything that seemed out of the ordinary or that might have raised an eyebrow? The point is that you have to look at every possible factor that may have triggered the break-up. And when you do find the answers to these questions, you’ll be able to decide whether or not you should try winning back her heart.

If you’re still sure that you can’t live without this girl, then you need to talk with her. Call her up and see if you two can schedule a time to sit down and talk over lunch or a cup of coffee, but be very considerate of her time. If she says that she’s really busy and unable to find any time, try to find time. If she’s still busy, then she could be avoiding you and you may have to give up and move on from there.

If and when you two happen to sit down with each other, warm up with some small talk instead of going straight into the real reason you wanted to talk to her. Make eye contact and be direct about how you’re feeling. If you still love her, tell her that. If you want to try again, tell her that too. Be clear about what you want and refrain from repeating yourself too much. After you’ve done that, listen to her and what she wants. Depending on what she says, you should have a pretty good idea of where to go from there.

Be sure to keep in mind that regardless of what happens after the conversation and for the sake of avoiding awkward situations or for the relationship itself, let her know if you still want to remain friends. Maintaining friendship is important after a break up because you’ll know that you two are on good terms and this will also open the door for you to still hang out with each other.

If things don’t go so well, just focus on some other important things in your life, like your studies or your career and try not to let what happened get you down. Use your time to try new things and grow from the experience. It may be hard to get over a relationship, especially after being with them for as long as three years, but with time, the heart will heal and you’ll be back on your feet before you know it.

Bryan is not a licensed therapist, all advice is only an opinion.