Columns September 27, 2012 // by
UH vs Rice: Bayou Bucket trash talk
Editor’s note: To prepare for Saturday’s game, The Daily Cougar and The Rice Thresher have exchanged a few words — all in good fun, of course. Both editorials will appear in the Cougar and Thresher.
If you’re reading this, it means you’ve managed to stop weeping into your Harvard rejection letters long enough to check the news. Congrats.
With the Bayou Bucket around the corner, we Coogs just wanted to remind you how much we love your football team. The “just for fun” mentality you all play with is adorable.
It’s heartwarming to see a school like Rice jeopardize its reputation by allowing such a talentless team the opportunity to play with real college football players.
No matter how pitiful your team’s performance is to watch, you still humbly ignore the pressure to improve. As long as everybody gets an orange slice at half time, the Owls can go home happy.
However, some of your students still don’t seem to understand that your team is not meant to be serious.
We find it surprising that Rice students are even aware the football team exists. We just didn’t think you all had the time to notice, in between lighting piles of money on fire and collecting BMWs.
Nonetheless, a number of you believe that by some miracle Rice has a chance this Saturday. Aren’t you all supposed to be smart?
For Rice, the Bayou Bucket is an opportunity to prove your worth. For us, it’s two bye weeks in a row.
During the last 20 years, Rice has taken the game of football and turned it into its own mutilated creation. It’s like Frankenstein’s monster, except worse to look at and nobody would ever spend time reading about it.
Watching Rice play is like watching rice. The last time something exciting happened at Rice Stadium, John F. Kennedy was talking about going to the moon.
Rice’s inability to recruit decent football players is not the fault of a coach with a 45-56 career record, a crumbling stadium or the school’s admissions standards. Good football players don’t go to Rice because when they visit campus they meet 3,000 scarf-wearing “artists” with fake British accents trying to read them poetry.
Don’t be bitter that the Big East didnt want anything to do with you. Conference USA needs you. Who else is going to make UAB and Marshall feel good about themselves?
All jokes aside, we really do look forward to seeing you this Saturday at Reliant. It’s been a while. You remember where it is, right? It seems like away games are the only time you snobby birds leave your golden-laced nests.
Let’s have a good game this weekend. We hope for a strong turnout but of course we don’t expect many Rice students to show up once they find out there’s no valet parking.
While Rice University students have grown accustomed to the Staff Editorials displaying the full splendor of the English tongue, this week the University of Houston has challenged us to a match of verbal jousting to precede Saturday’s Bayou Bucket.
We fear that if we hurl insults at the University of Houston using our regular lexicon the message will be entirely lost on their not-entirely-refined intellects. Therefore, we apologize to our Rice readers for writing the rest of this editorial to the lowest common denominator so that the Cougars may understand.
U of H sucks. Imagine Nicki Minaj and Rebecca Black performing a song without autotune and at full volume. Now multiply that by 10. (Note to U of H freshmen: Multiplication is like adding again and again. Never mind. You’ll learn about it in your sophomore math classes.)
Rice does not suck. In fact, it is quite good at many things like winning Nobel Prizes and getting its undergraduates jobs. No, we are not the prettiest people, but we marry the prettiest people because we earn lots of money.
One thing at which we are not always great is football. That’s because we are a small school, and our football team goes to class with the rest of the students. Apparently that’s not a thing at other schools. Anyway, when Rice plays big state schools, we are always the underdogs. Oh, did we say big state schools? We meant big state schools that aren’t U of H.
You see, in the last three years, Rice has beat U of H for the Bayou Bucket twice. This means that U of H loses at the one thing at which they should win. When we see you guys yelling “Go Coogs” and throwing up your shocking hand symbol, two things come to mind for a Rice fan. The first is that no one should do that with their hands in public. The second is pity.
You will say that we are wrong and that for a while U of H did well at football. The reason for that was Case Keenum, and that reason graduated. Now you are set to join the Big East, and some of you are very excited, but like Sarah Palin trying to be elected vice president, it probably won’t work out quite like you think. (You may not get that joke, but that’s okay.)
Teasing aside, we are sure you will succeed in the Big East, just like you did in Conference USA. If your definition of success means having a losing record to us.
So when Chris Boswell kicks the extra point that cements Rice’s victory, know that while we cheer in joy, we shed a small tear for you guys. We don’t know how it feels to lose like that, but we can imagine it is quite unpleasant. (Note: Unpleasant means sad.)