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Monday, August 20, 2018

Opinion

Dear Mr. Kiffin


In a pretty precedented turn of events, Lane Kiffin lost his job Sunday morning. He found out a little earlier than the Internet. After losing once against Washington State and once again in Arizona, the powers that be at the University of Southern California felt the only thing left for Kiffin to lose was his position as head coach of the Trojans’ football team, putting him square in the 7.3 percent of the country without employment. But, if Kiffin is out there reading, we’re here to tell him that all is not lost. Really. It’s only just beginning. There’s just so much more to life.

With his tenure as the most under-examined coach of the most over-examined football team in college football behind him, here are some doors the University of Southern California has opened:

  1. Kiffin can write a book: He wouldn’t be the first individual to detail his experiences at a sometimes-corrupt-but-always-somehow-in-the-right institution. He wouldn’t even be the second. Now that he’s officially unassociated, Kiffin can express his grievances freely: The secretary that occasionally forgot to field his calls can be vilified. The water boy who actually wasn’t a water boy at all, just some kid who wanted to touch the goal posts, will be exposed. It’s not like he has to write nonfiction, either: The next dystopian young adult vampire novel could be in his hands. Assistant coaches will be examined, inept quarterbacks illustrated, and Kiffin may very well add a Pulitzer to his CV.

  2. Kiffin can run for governor: California has already established that it’s in the business of putting just about anyone in office. Jerry Brown’s accolades include addressing the Westboro Baptist Church’s funeral picketing, and his precedent singlehandedly dismantled the T1000 responsible for approbating John and Sarah Connor from CyberDyne — but neither of these men has anything on Kiffin. He beat UCLA. He recruited out-of-state and got away with it. He crossed the NFL and lived.

  3. Kiffin can introduce a constitutional amendment prohibiting the previously established rights of his state’s constituents: As a resident of the state responsible for Proposition 8, Kiffin has the opportunity to modify the inner workings of his state’s constitution without respect for basic human rights. He can write a bill decreeing everyone wears red on Tuesdays. He can write a bill closing every church with an “I” in its name. He can amend an amendment and send it to the court house.

  4. Kiffin can move to South Carolina: He once claimed the state was good only for producing gas station attendants. With all this newfound time on his hands, he finally has the opportunity to evaluate his hypothesis.

And it doesn’t stop here. Kiffin can go back to school; Kiffin can start his own school; Kiffin can take up jogging; Kiffin can Dance With The Stars; Kiffin can decide to judge; Kiffin can open a bakery; Kiffin can invest in stocks.

And, if all else fails, Kiffin can finally get a real job.

Senior staff columnist Bryan Washington is an English junior and may be reached at [email protected]


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