David Delgado//The Daily Cougar
Before you read on, lover of spirits, it’s important to keep in mind that what’s about to be described to you is, in fact, a serious medical condition. It should not evoke a sense of envy, nor should you suddenly feel the urge to give the subject of this article a bear hug or a high five and then ask him how he really did this.
It is OK, however, to think that what this man suffered from is weird. As truly debilitating as this condition is, it’s without a doubt one of the strangest ailments to have ever befallen somebody in modern diagnosable history.
Again, I urge you to not think of this very real disease as anything close to being “awesome” or “awe-inspiring.”
Ugh. Just try your best not to, at least. That’s all I can really ask of you.
In 2010, an unidentified Texas man was diagnosed with “gut fermentation syndrome,” and yes, reader, this is a real thing that exists on the truly insane planet Earth.
CNN reported that, over the course of half a decade, the man’s blood-alcohol content regularly registered at 0.40. That’s five times the legal driving limit.
The man, 61, rarely drank, and had suffered a pattern of accusation and rejection from doctors who weren’t aware a condition like this even existed. Usually, he was dismissed as a run-of-the-mill duplicitous husband who swore he was off the bottle to his wife, despite his insanely-high BAC.
However, in 2010, the man stayed 24 hours in a hospital with no visitors, no activities and no feasible way to sneak in any booze.
Doctors finally discovered what had been turning this man’s body into the world’s most unavoidable biohazard: his stomach was turning food into liquor. Due to “an overgrowth of yeast in the gut,” the man’s stomach was converting all carbohydrates into ethanol.
Now, you might be asking yourself why this news is being reported 3 years after it happened. After all, the man’s condition was discovered in 2010, and our iPhones clearly state that we’re living out the tail end of the year 2013.
Well, the man’s ailment served as a case study in the July 2013 issue of the International Journal of Clinical Medicine.
It’s official. The dreams of frat stars everywhere have been answered. Gone are the days when a shoddy fake ID or being strapped for cash was enough to ruin your weekend. Thanks to the wonders of “GFS” (gut fermentation syndrome, get freaky syndrome, gentrified frat boy syndrome… I digress), we can all get drunk anywhere, anytime, on nothing more than a piece of celery. Or a pack of Skittles. Or a hoagie.
Literally, anything.
The Journal also reported that the man is back to being sober. He was able to undergo a strict regime of antifungal medication and is now registering zeroes on his breathalyzer tests, which is just downright terrible news. Existing in a state of perpetual stupor is nothing short of living the American dream.
I know, I know. My deepest condolences, fair readers and frat stars. Put that hoagie down and heed my words: The Magical Disease of the Burger Drunksies has been cured.
Senior staff columnist Cara Smith is a communications junior and may be reached at [email protected]
I must have that condition as I’ve never needed a bottle to feel great. How can I avoid this cure as it will probably be mandatory under Obamacare.