Planet Earth’s cruelest specimen has been revealed, is a fan of eating disorders

If you’re one of the lucky few who hasn’t yet had your week’s share of revolting news, apparently there’s a webpage out there dedicated to the positives that come with dating a girl with an eating disorder.

On that note, here’s that sign-up sheet if you’d like to move to Mars as soon as humanly possible.

The page, written by the anonymous user Tuthmosis, was published on the web forum Return of Kings, which is now a website I’m mortified to have in my browsing history. Oh, the sacrifices I make for you, reader.

Return of Kings a self-described website “for masculine men,” and it boasts some insanely insightful pieces of journalism, breaking societal barriers with articles like “20 Things Women Do That Should Be Shamed, Not Celebrated,” “Stay-at-Home Moms Don’t Work That Hard” and “Five Way to Bully Fat Sluts on Dates.”

My goodness, reader — please cross your collective fingers for me and pray that Return of Kings offers summer writing internships. The intellectual capacity of these Kings seems to know no bounds, and I think it’s safe to say that we all have a few things to learn from these literary scholars.

Tuthmosis’ post, “Five Reasons to Date a Girl With An Eating Disorder,” ferociously blasts out of the gate with all of the promise of a chauvinistic Seabiscuit who refuses to break his leg and just get euthanized already. In a refreshing display of a journalist having done intensive scientific research on an ailment, the honorable Tuthmosis then explains how having an eating disorder has developed into a luxury reserved for society’s most well-off women. Clearly, the dissertation of a future Nobel Laureate.

He goes on to say that eating disorders, in their ever-giving nature, serve to help men filter out and home in on the women who possess a desirable socioeconomic status, personality and pant size.

Wipe that vomit off your keyboard and keep scrolling, because here’s the repertoire of the production — the five reasons that dating such a girl is beneficial:

• 1. Her obsession over her body will improve her overall looks. As much as I’d like to disagree with Tuthmosis’ logic here, he’s given me a pretty insurmountable task. You and I can both agree that a disease’s manifestation is best served attractive. One can only pray Tuthmosis hasn’t limited his reasoning to the bounds of eating disorders, though. It’d be a shame if he was never able to satisfy his appetite for more melanin by simply dating a girl with jaundice.
• An additional thought from Tuthmosis: “Let’s not forget that fatties, too, in the majority of cases, have a ‘distorted body image’ (like girls with eating disorders), but in the unattractive direction.” Sound words from a clinically sound man.
• 2. She costs less money. “So how’d the date go, bro?” “Man, things were going really well. Solid cleavage, nice body, but then—” “No. She didn’t, did she?” “Yeah, man. She ordered a freakin’ cheeseburger. It was $5.29!” “But aren’t cobb salads there only $4.99?” “My point exactly! Ugh, man, as if I was planning on spending the extra thirty cents.” “Women. Always refusing to extrapolate and budget accordingly.” “Exactly, bro. Last time I’ll go to Burger King for a while.”
• 3. She’s fragile and vulnerable. I don’t know about you, but I’m growing really sick and tired of this new “age of equality.” Nowadays, it seems like women are just pampered by men (with no reproductive organs, I assume) into flexing their newfound sense of professionalism and intelligence. It’s disgusting, and it has to stop. When will people realize just how sexually enticing a woman is when she’s trembling uncontrollably from a 102°F fever? Why have we yet to see a Judd Apatow flick that highlights the attractiveness of a woman’s pre-vomit knee weakness?
• 4. Probably has money of her own. Ignore the glaringly false statistic from the National Eating Disorders Association, which says that roughly 46% of adolescent girls (and not just the fiscal top 10%) engage in crash dieting, diet pills, self-induced vomiting or fasting to unhealthily control weight. They’re obviously out of line and just dead wrong. We all know that affluence and eating disorders go hand-in-hand, kinda like skin cancer and girls born past sundown to a she-wolf, or how women who sometimes wear crimson cable-knit sweaters are more likely to contract dysentery.
• 5. She’s better in bed. As if that’s relevant to you, Tuthmosis.

Don’t just trust my opinion on the matter, though. A couple members of the UH populace were more than happy to help me on my quest to ostracize Tuthmosis and his idiocy.

Advertising senior Maisha Zaheen shared her thoughts on the destructive nature of Tuthmosis’ piece.

“I feel like it’s putting more pressure on their lifestyle than it already is,” Zaheen said. “Saying these cruel things will only make them think more negatively of themselves.”

Public relations senior Jan Uhrick added, “The guy that wrote this reminds me of one of those guys that you date for a while, and then dumps you, but not without reminding you that you were skinnier when y’all first started dating.”

Added kinesiology and journalism junior Taha Ali, “Yeah… let’s pray this guy’s single.”

And finally, to Tuthmosis: In the hopes that I’ve sparked your interest in relocation, here’s that sign-up sheet that was mentioned earlier.

Senior staff columnist Cara Smith is a communications junior and may be reached at [email protected]