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Sunday, September 24, 2023


Kelly’s Korner: 8 things some Cougars are tired of hearing

Let me begin by saying that I love attending UH. I am aware that there are some students who go to UH as a way to bide their time before transferring to a different university, but being a Cougar was never a second choice for me.

By the way, you’re not fooling anybody, Blasphemous-Punk-Who-Wears-Another-School’s-Shirt-On-Friday.

When I graduated high school, I was excited to have the opportunity to study at a university at which recycling bins, coffee shops and hyperactive squirrels were in abundance.

On a side note, has anyone ever seen a squirrel use the restroom? Because I haven’t, and I’m beginning to believe that they are incapable of this utility.

Nevertheless, I may not attend as many school functions as I probably should — sorry, SGA — but I am proud to be a Cougar. So as a proud Cougar, it can be somewhat irritating when other people question your choice of university. I’m sure one can imagine and empathize when I say that there are a few questions that I am legitimately tired of being asked.

Following is a compilation of questions that, if heard one more time, might warrant me sneaking into this inquisitive person’s house in the dead of night and punching them in the face.

“Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get shot or mugged?” You know, until it was mentioned, I had not yet realized how UH is centered within the “Heart of Darkness” — aka the Third Ward. On the first day of freshman orientation, we were told of this fact. The way I see it, only the elite are able to trudge through the fear, traffic and skyline to come out a victorious Cougar. Besides, the possibility of getting shot or mugged is just as likely to happen in any city. Furthermore, I wouldn’t worry about us. If we are about to get attacked, we can just drop-kick the offender with our school spirit — or run away screaming.

“Are you the only white person there?” There is so much, yet so very little, to say to a person who asks this question. After searching far and wide, under every trash can and economically placed recycling bin, I have found the appropriate answer. Yes, I am the only white person on my 40,000-student campus. As a matter of fact, I am the only white person in Houston; I may be the only white person within the tri-state area. Scratch that — I am the only white person in the entire universe.

“What, you couldn’t get into A&M?” Well actually, I didn’t even apply. I wasn’t in the mood to be part of a mass of maroon-wearing drones who follow a little Lassie dog around. If I ever found Reveille, I would say to her — after giving her a good pet, of course — “What’s that, girl? C’mon, Lassie. Go ahead — tell me what happened to A&M’s originality! Oh no, it fell down the well?”

“Wasn’t that where James Franco was supposed to go?” Yes, and I want to thoroughly thank you for reminding me that a man who has a smile such as his planned on enrolling at my school — and in my program (creative writing) nonetheless. It’s almost as if he changed his mind about attending UH after hosting the 2011 Academy Awards. Don’t worry, James, no Cougar would have made fun of you for being about as useful a co-host to Anne Hathaway as the Baby Mop is to effectively keeping floors clean.

“Didn’t Lil’ Wayne go there?” I’m attempting to forget that my beloved university is associated with the same man who thinks that multiple face tattoos, having to waddle around like a penguin because his pants rest on his knees and a “mad grill” are good ideas.

“Did you get to talk to Beyoncé?” Oh, completely; Bey and I go way back. Fun fact: I was her muse for the big hit “Single Ladies.” Actually, the consecutive “oh’s” at the end of the chorus were inspired by me uncontrollable sobbing over being a single lady with no one to put a ring on it. Joking aside, I was one of the hundreds of students who flocked to the library two years ago when I heard she was on campus. On the record: I saw the top of her fabulously stylized head.

“Is there anything for a college student to do there?” It’s HOUSTON.

“Isn’t traffic killer?” Traffic is not so much a killer as it is a benign tumor — it’s not truly hurting anyone. Besides, if one leaves home at the appropriate time of day, traffic isn’t so much of a problem.

The next person who asks me one of these questions will receive silence and a Post-It note with The Daily Cougar’s web address. Do not test the extent of my laziness — I have grown tired of these inquisitions.

Senior staff columnist Kelly Schafler is a print journalism junior and may be reached at [email protected]

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