There comes a time in every relationship — whether it is new or old — when the time to ask a potentially awkward question stares you in the face. Sometimes this moment arrives during the introductions; sometimes it will happen a few minutes into the conversation.
Either way, asking one of the following questions before knowing the person’s middle name should be considered off-limits in all areas of society. Holding oneself back from asking these itching questions will be difficult, but I believe that you can choke down the word vomit and refrain from creating an uncomfortable moment.
Some of these many seem like perfectly innocent questions, but they have the potential to be detrimental.
Are you pregnant/when is the baby due? It’s common sense as to why this question is off-limits in casual conversation. Unless you were present during the conception — and I pray to Beyoncé you were not — you should not ask whether a woman is pregnant. I don’t care if her water breaks on your shoes; until told directly from the pregnant woman’s mouth that she is expecting, assume she had an accident after drinking too much cola.
Do you have a significant other? Asking someone whether they have a significant other opens a huge floodgate. There are three kinds of water levels that can be reached with this question. The first option is that you get completely flooded with their blissful happiness from their relationship, which sends them into a novella of rainbows and sunshine.
The second option is that they are in a relationship but are unhappy. This causes them to say something along the lines of, “Eh, unfortunately. My significant other is a (expletive),” and causes you to be soaked in their displeasure.
The third option is the forever alone choice — and we all know that this option ends in them drowning in their sorrows.
What is your sexuality? No, negative.
What’s your major? This question is as common as anxiety before finals is for a college student. You meet another student. “What’s your major?”
You meet a professor. “What’s your major?”
You meet a friendly squirrel. “What’s your major?”
This question should be off-limits because the likelihood of remembering this major is miniscule. Think about it: if you are asking multiple people this same question within a five-minute time frame — such as at a party, social gathering or scholarly function — the majors will mix together. Then you’re just the idiot who asks someone’s major a million times.
What are you planning on doing with your major? This seems like another seemingly innocent question. Of course, it’s the next logical thing to ask after finding out someone’s major. However, as you watch the light leave the eyes of this poor, unfortunate student, you begin to doubt exactly how blameless you are. Watching the person switch from offhand laughter to a vacant stare, followed by the facial expression of someone internally screaming, is not worth the question. You can envision the wheels in their brain squeaking to a halt as they think, “What am I doing with my life?”
What is your ethnicity? Unless we are friendly enough to have each other’s phone numbers, it’s altogether awkward to ask someone’s ethnicity. There is too much room for someone to be offended by this question. If I do not know you, there is no reason for you to know a detailed description of my family tree.
Why are you crying? The response to this question can go one of two ways. Either the crying person opens up about their entire life, in which case you are stuck in an awkward moment in which you are trying to decide whether a hug is appropriate, or they tell you to go away. If you know the person, sometimes it’s better to just pat their shoulder with an affectionate “there, there” until they open up to you on their own. If you do not know the person, asking this question is risky. Maybe they do need a random good Samaritan’s shoulder to cry on and ease their worries — or maybe they are just suffering through allergy season and really need a tissue.
Keep in mind that these are just suggestions. It is a completely viable option to let whatever thought crosses the mind fly out if one wishes. However, you have been warned.
Senior staff columnist Kelly Schafler is a print journalism junior and may be reached at [email protected]
