Opinion Web Exclusive

Drunken college student Hulk smashes through a wall

File this under reasons you shouldn’t drink underage — and for those of you who are legal, on an empty stomach.

Brian McMurren, a Notre Dame freshman, smashed through the wall of a South Bend, Ind., spa where he discovered Hot Pockets. The event was hilarious until McMurren was arrested at the scene and charged with burglary, vandalism and underage drinking. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, has some serious remodeling to do, all at the whim of a roaming hungry collegiate.

Stan Wruble, McMurren’s attorney, declined to comment on his client’s case, saying in a statement to The Observer, the “investigation is ongoing.” However, Wruble followed up by saying on Monday evening that he “can confirm that Brian was arrested Sunday and released from the county jail this afternoon.”

WSBT reported the break-in Monday, and the story became more “bizarre” as further details emerged. One of the estheticians at the spa, Kim Miller, said a massage therapist discovered McMurren after his midnight rampage.

“When she did get in, there was powder all over the ground,” Miller said. “The police went upstairs, and they found the guy in the kitchen passed out, where he was surrounded by Hot Pockets and Drumstick ice cream.”

McMurren’s tactics to gain entry are more unsettling than his appetite.

“He eventually got into the house because he tried all of our entrances and couldn’t get through,” Miller said. “He didn’t damage anything as far as our computers; he didn’t try to get our money.”

After tossing a flower pot into the wall, McMurren triggered the burglary alarm. Apparently, he proceeded to dig a path through the drywall, but in his inebriated state, McMurren’s intentions concerned only food. A building just happened to be in the way — though it didn’t stop him from plowing through and operating cooking machinery.

“He had gotten into our freezer and just had a heyday. He was apparently very hungry,” Miller said. “There was a frozen dinner in the oven that was burning, and the smoke detector was going off.”

While Therapeutic Indulgence must temporarily relocate, there’s no doubt McMurren will see his day in court.

“It is my understanding that no formal charges have been filed as of yet, despite other media reports to the contrary,” Wruble said. “I would expect formal charges to be filed soon.”

This makes one wonder how exactly this managed to happen.

“We should petition Notre Dame to provide free Hot Pockets and Drumsticks so that things like this don’t happen again,” one commenter on the WSBT webpage said.

That being said, I doubt anything like this would occur on the UH campus. It seems every function attended has free cookies, not to mention the ever-so-convenient food trucks. I can’t imagine a Cougar going hungry, especially not wall-decimatingly hungry. Maybe if McMurren attended UH, he wouldn’t have needed to go on a “rampage,” and those poor massage therapists would still have their lunches.

What I want to know is whether Hot Pockets fall under the law of compensation. If so, I wonder whether McMurren will bring them to his court appearance to sway the jury in his favor. All jokes aside, this is a serious matter. As serious as hunger. 

People like McMurren cannot go barging through business facilities whenever they please, because if they did, there would be no Hot Pockets for the rest of us to munch on while awaiting our respective spa sessions. All I can picture is a starved Hulk crashing through an otherwise calming oasis, leaving a human-shaped hole in his wake. This will not do.

Let us try to prevent this at all costs. Also, somebody please keep alcohol away from this kid — give him Hot Pockets instead. The freshman 15 is real, and it is unstoppable.

Opinion columnist Alex Meyer is a creative writing freshman and may be reached at [email protected]

Leave a Comment