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Tuesday, October 3, 2023


Satire: Penny boards are a menace to society


Photo Illustration by Brittaney Penney/The Cougar

The days when people simply walked to class are dead.

Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, you see someone with a damn Penny board, skating around campus acting as if what they’re doing isn’t a nuisance to this school.

These skater kids need to man up and start walking like the rest of us.

A recent Pew Research study showed that people who use Penny skateboards are 400 percent more likely to end up leaving college with liberal arts degrees and not find jobs after graduation.

These are the facts.

Penny boards, for those who don’t know, are basically smaller versions of skateboards. They are made by Australian company Penny, who then forced these pseudo-skateboards into college culture.

Penny even created a clothing line so you can enhance your “Penny lifestyle” and be a true Penny board menace.

“The other day I was walking, and my ankle got clipped by someone going too fast on a Penny board,” computer science senior John Robert Eliot III said. “I hate that people with Penny boards think they can just skate around campus not considering that the rest of us have to take an extra 7 minutes so we can walk to class.”

Those who live the “Penny life” need to take a quick look in the mirror and realize the harm they are doing.

According to CNN, violent crimes involving Penny boards have increased by 900 percent in the past 6 months.

In January, a student at the University of Florida was so convinced his Penny board could fly that he leaped the school library’s roof while riding the board, only to find out it, in fact, did not have aerodynamic abilities.

He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Disregarding the fact that most of these incidents occur in Florida, there is fear that similar incidents could occur right here at the University of Houston.

When will we all realize that the threat of Penny board users is too big to ignore?

Australia is most known for their dangerous animals and intense heat. No one could have foreseen that they would create a consumer product of equal danger and risk.

We need to stand up to this threat. No one should have to walk around campus with the fear that they might go home with a bruised toe caused by a Penny board coming just a little too close to them.

We need to make UH great again.

Opinion editor Anthony Torres is a political science junior and may be reached at [email protected]

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