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Wednesday, September 27, 2023


Satire: Pumpkin spice lattes an insidious, dangerous liquid poison


Brittaney Penney/The Cougar

They’re here. Those seasonal, pumpkin based concoctions that has stores ranging from Starbucks to Dunkin’ Donuts spewing product after product all with one common ingredient: pumpkin spice.

This month marked the reemergence of the infamous seasonal pumpkin spice latte, much to the enjoyment of North Face jacket lovers everywhere.

This is crazy. First it started with lattes, then stores started selling pumpkin spice candles, donuts, soy milk and even various body lotions. How many pumpkin spice-themed products do we have to make before we realize the real danger here?

“I, like, can’t survive fall or winter without my daily dose of P.S.L.,” said marketing sophomore Tiffani Johnson.

Ah yes, it even has it’s own abbreviation now. When things devolve into their own abbreviations, you know things just go downhill from there.

This shows the harm “P.S.L.s” have on humanity. They not only deteriorate the minds of young people to resort to abbreviations, they also contain an addictive quality that makes it impossible to survive certain seasons without.

But what exactly is pumpkin spice?

The main ingredients consist of ginger, spice and cinnamon. Pumpkin is typically not even included which makes those selling “pumpkin” spice — damn dirty liars.

Speaking of people known to be liars, even presidential candidate Hillary Clinton weighed in on the whole craze, saying she is “not a pumpkin spice kind of gal.”

There you have it, folks. Proof that Hillary Clinton used pumpkin spice to induce the riots at Benghazi.

It is well known that the release of pumpkin spice lattes tends to cause people to go into frenzies, sometimes even inducing violence.

In 2013, three people were reported dead after a popular coffee shop in Portland announced that they were releasing  an organically based pumpkin spice infused coffee and only selling to the first 503 people who arrived when the store opened at 5 A.M. on a Tuesday.

You could say the coffee shop was going up on a Tuesday.

But back to Hillary Clinton; what does she know that is preventing her from being a “pumpkin spice kind of gal?” Is it that she knows how the specific spice inside the latte’s mixture has a psychoactive particle known to induce violence?

These are questions that need to be answered. Whether it be through an email found that Clinton might have just “forgotten” she deleted, or from the mouth of the woman herself.

The danger pumpkin spice lattes impose on society is too obvious to ignore anymore.

Opinion editor Anthony Torres is a political science junior and may be reached at [email protected]

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