Satire: Quad resident wakes up in block of ice
One morning, a Law Hall resident woke up and couldn’t scream.
When he managed to force his eyelids open, all he saw was the blurry haze of the ceiling and the cold burning his eyes.
“I had to scream. My arms, legs, head, were numb from something cold. But there was ice muffling my mouth. I had no means of escape or screaming,” he said.
He was encased in a block of ice, blanket, pillow and all. All courtesy of the heating conditions at Law Hall.
Despite wrapping himself in a double layer of blankets and wearing a robe, he managed to freeze overnight. Though he had two finals in the morning, he lacked the willpower to break out of the cold, so he remained immobile in bed for a total of four hours.
Eventually, the ice melted enough for him to free his face and holler for maintenance to rescue him with a pickaxe.
With a few hairdryers, he should stabilize.
Law residents widely agree that temperature conditions suck, and it’s a widespread suckiness that extends to the rest of the Quadrangle buildings.
“I know Law is not as cold as the other buildings,” Law Hall Resident Assistant Kayla Llanes said. “We had temperature problems in Bates where the stairway (halls) started bringing humidity. Settegast Hall has rooms so cold they keep residents’ noses red.”
She made note of several complaints of the lack of temperature control.
She isn’t surprised by the news of the resident in ice.
“(Residents) actually go outside to get warm,” Llanes said.
Anthropology senior Johnny Lair can related.
“I had to wear two sweaters and flannels (in my dorm),” Lair said. “I’m surprised it was a block of ice and not an iceberg.”
It’s no secret that the Quadrangle housing tends to have poor temperature control.
The Quads, the oldest residential area on campus, may be one of the more affordable rates for UH housing, but affordability is a dubious trade-off for an Arctic sleeping place. It’s no wonder there are plans to demolish the Quads by 2020, to make way for Cougar-Place-like dorms.
But hey, if the Quads are going down anyway, there’s no point in fixing the temperature for the welfare of current Quad residents, right?
Opinion columnist Caroline Cao is a creative writing and media production senior and may be reached at [email protected]