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Saturday, September 30, 2023


Satire: There’s no fun in early voting

This election season is projected to have record turnouts with over 19 million Americans having already voted in early polls. Four million Texans turned out to vote early and broke the previous record of 3.5 million in 2008.

“That means 4 million Texans are chumps,” said voter Joe Blow, profusely sweating in the heat while waiting in line outside to get into his precinct’s polling building. “They planned things out and didn’t have to wait in line for an hour to vote, so now those chumps are missing out.”

There are a few things that those early-voter chumps miss out on every four years.

But wait, ask yourself, don’t we vote more often than that? It depends. Do you go to church every week or do you only go for Christmas and Easter? Exactly. The non-presidential elections are just practice for the big one.

One of the biggest things those early-voter chumps miss out on is delaying when they planned to go vote early because, “It’s going on for two weeks, or something like that. Ha! We can just go on Saturday the sixth — they were open last weekend, too, bro!”

Thing is, the early polls closed on the fifth. What follows is the realization that they will have to wait in line for Election Day.

Not convinced? How about nervously asking your boss if you can leave work to go vote and wonder if it is even worth it this late in the game. It probably goes something like this:

You: “Hey, so, uh, boss, can I leave early today to go vote? I know it’s a Tuesday and I’m supposed to be working, but I still haven’t voted yet and this is my last chance.”

Boss: “Wait… You didn’t go vote early on your own time or during the weekend? You want me to let you take off from work to vote?”

You: “Well… yeah…”

Boss: “Right on, (your name)! Voting is way more important than working for the company that puts food on your table and mine! I’d be crazy to not let you leave! Actually, just take the rest of the day off while you’re at it. That’s how important voting is to me, and that’s how great of a boss I am.”

The worst-case scenario that could possibly happen is that you have to compromise by spending your lunch break at the polls. It turns out that your boss actually didn’t care that it’s the last day to vote and work takes higher priority.

Still not convinced?

There’s a rumor going around that those “I Voted!” stickers, which are rewarded after you finish voting, are symbolically gilded with gold on Election Day. If that’s not an incentive to procrastinate on voting until then, I don’t know what is.

Assistant opinion editor Thom Dwyer is a broadcast journalism sophomore and can be reached at [email protected]


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