There is a deep and troubling current of discontent flowing beneath the deceptively smooth surface of this university.
Students, in the process of opening their minds and broadening their philosophical horizons are arriving at the inevitable conclusion: there is a huge issue with the parking here.
The main problem is that the University of Houston has the same population density as the Vatican which, measured in metric units, works out to about 14,000 grommets per hectare, yet has far less parking.
A good analogy would be that UH has a ratio of parking spaces to students that is approximately as large as the ratio of 60-foot yachts to residents of Tyler.
The end result is students often end up circling the parking lots like large, foreign-manufactured vultures.
When other students are spotted returning to their cars from classes, they are often ‘marked’ by desperate motorists who then follow them back to their cars in a somewhat predatory fashion.
Protocol for stalking vehicles includes keeping an average distance of roughly 0 inches between the car and the students’ calves. This ensures no one else attempts to ‘steal’ the potential parking space.
Notably, the practice also ensures no one walking to their car during peak parking-hours escapes with unbruised calves.
This process has led many students to rightfully ask the thoughtful and totally appropriate question, ‘What the heck, man?’
In response, the University is constructing more parking garages, which are not only unsightly and distressingly urban-looking, but are also great places to commit crimes, if one is so inclined (Note: this paper does not condone crime).
However, the addition of the 18.4 percent more parking spaces will alleviate the parking situation once they’re built.
Until then, the garages are being constructed on top of existing parking spots, such as the structure being built on Calhoun Road next to Melcher Hall, meaning that there will be even tighter parking crunches until they are finished.
The UH Parking & Transportation Services Web site helpfully graphs out alternative parking until the new garages are completed, such as the Wheeler Avenue church lot.
What the site doesn’t say is that anyone parking in that lot stands a good chance of being asked, on a daily basis, whether Jesus Christ is their personal Lord and Savior, which can potentially be more obnoxious than bruised calves.
With all of the confusion inherent in 30,000 students fighting for half as many parking spaces, there are bound to be violations.
Some students, who shall remain nameless but work on this newspaper and major in creative writing, may even rack up six or seven of them.
Fortunately, as with any bureaucratic organization, the UH Parking and Transportation Services has a process for these occasions, which involves appealing citations to a student-run traffic court.
Students receiving citations have 21 days from issuance to file an appeal with the Parking and Transportation Services, according to the Web site.
The site does not state how these appeals play out, but it is not unreasonable to assume it is like Perry Mason or Law & Order, in which most appeals end with the real culprit leaping up in a fit of conscience during a cross examination and confessing.
According to associate Dean of Students Kamran Riaz, the court is made up of students, including Student Government Association members.’
The Dean of Students’ office simply handles the paperwork between student appeals, the Department of Parking and Transportation, and the court.
Ultimately, these parking problems are simply tangible and annoying evidence of the University’s rapid growth.
All students parking on campus should make an honest effort to push through the annoyance of limited parking in the present, knowing that UH’s growth and expansion can only benefit them.
Additionally, any student parking in the church lot on Wheeler in the meantime should definitely answer any probing religious questions with a confident ‘yes,’ if they wish to avoid long conversations and pamphlets. Students with bruised calves are encouraged to visit the University’s Health Center.
Kevin Cook is an English junior and may be reached at [email protected].
