I have almost exhausted my personal stories that are printable so, like most of my generation, I turn to the one thing that has never let me down, the Internet.
I log onto my e-mail account to see if there is anything of a sexual nature, marking the first time I have ever wanted spam mail in my life. There was nothing asking me if I wanted to get bigger “down there,” no offers to become a member of a Web-cam site and no “sexy singles” were in my area.
Is Houston the only city that does not have sexy singles? If so, that would just add to the evidence that I am, in fact, not sexy.
I could only mange to find two things that made me want to read more: Female Viagra and John Mayer’s love of masturbation.
As I read through a Rolling Stone article, I find out the guy who sings, “Your Body is a Wonderland” is really into porn. Maybe the song should have been titled, “Your Body is a Pixilated Image on My Computer Screen.”
Strangely, I started to feel a little bit better about myself. I may not be a famous musician, but at least I don’t look at porn before breakfast. Porn is a purely “after lunch” thing for me. I know nothing about being famous, but I bet porn looks different when people who look like Jennifer Aniston are willing to date you. It just appears to cheapen and ruins the dream of being a celebrity.
The next thing I found was an advertisement for the next great new great drug, “Female Viagra,” which is called Niagara. I like to write from personal experiences and I don’t really have the money for it, or would want to put my body through that hormone rollercoaster.
I also don’t want to run around campus asking different people to try a new drug, mainly because I don’t condone the use of prescription drugs for recreational use, also because I don’t like being slapped. I have been slapped a few times for the dumb things I have said. Each time reinforces for me that I am not as funny as I think I am.
After reading the e-mails and thinking about the times that I have been slapped, I came to the conclusions that I need to find somewhere else to get article ideas; the Internet has let me down.
I am only aware of the things I can find, which is incredibly limited on such a broad topic. With your help, that can change. The Internet has let me down, but with your help it can be redeemed. There is a web address at the bottom of every article in the Daily Cougar — the one for this column is [email protected]. You can also go to our website, thedailycougar.com, and post a comment under this story telling me what you want to read about.
I must warn you, this is a school newspaper, and I like not having the administration of UH exemely mad at me, so, sadly, there will be some things that I just can’t write about. But if you have an interesting story, or if there is an issue that you think needs to be talked about, just send a message and I will get back to you.
