The Kübler-Ross model outlines grief in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These five stages of grief also work perfectly when applied to rejection in relationships. But first, let’s start with the game of dodgeball, the perfect metaphor for relationships.
In dodgeball, before everyone starts to throw balls at one another, there is a time when everyone is lined up facing two team captains, just hoping to be picked. One by one, everyone is getting picked until you and the fat kid wearing a Blue Power Ranger t-shirt are the only ones left.
The two captains are now standing in front of both of you with a look of judgment. How on Earth could they be comparing you to someone who likes the Blue Power Ranger? It is the Green Power Ranger or no Power Ranger.
And then it happens. The dork gets picked before you, marking the first stage of rejection: denial. You tell yourself you weren’t rejected; that everything happens for a reason; and that you are just too busy to be in a relationship right now. You are still on a team, the single-people team, filled with people who still think mustaches are cool and people who make awkward jokes about 1980s pop culture.
Then something else happens. Maybe someone throws one of those red rubber balls a little too close to your head. Now you’re in the second stage: anger. You are mad. Mad that you are playing dodgeball because you wanted to play kickball. Who on earth, when given two options, decides to play dodgeball instead of kickball? But mainly, you are angry because of the people who didn’t pick you. You grab the nearest bouncing ball, and you fling it at the kid with all of your might.
As you see the ball soaring through the sky, you have just moved into the third stage: bargaining. Your body contorts with the hope that through some manipulation, there will be a change in the ball’s trajectory. And then, he catches the ball and you are no longer on the single-people side. You are in the corner, out of the game, begging with people to catch something to let you back in.
Now you make the fatal error of talking to the team captains again with the hopes that through their power as wise decision-makers they will let you back in the game. They will almost always say “no,” welcoming you to the fourth stage: depression. While you watch the other people play, you start to think of all the fun you could be having. Everything now revolves around the fact that your actions have led you to being the only kid who will be forced to ask the younger kids if you can get in on their game. Then your heart sinks just a little bit more when you contemplate the hardship that will come from being rejected by first graders.
As you look back to the game that is going on and more people have gotten out, you start to think that if you could just go over to those people, there would be enough to start a new game and this time, you’ll be one of the captains you make the hard choices.
Now you are in the fifth and final stage: acceptance. You realize that you never at any point lost all of your options. You are not in denial, you just have hope that the next game will go better, and you don’t want to end your recess career being known as the kid who would sit in the middle of the jungle gym and pick his nose.
