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Saturday, September 24, 2022


Four Loko crazy but shouldn’t be banned

Earlier this week, the Food and Drug Administration told four manufacturers of caffeinated alcoholic beverages, like the notorious Four Loko, that they had 15 days to either stop adding caffeine to the drinks or stop selling them.

The New York Times reports that, in a warning letter to the companies, the FDA claims that consuming the products can lead to “hazardous and life-threatening situations.”

Doesn’t this reign true for all alcoholic products? I guess the FDA knows best, so we shouldn’t really question them, right? Right!

Four Loko has been a best-seller; it’s highly caffeinated, highly alcoholic and (some would argue) extremely tasty. So let’s ban it, because we can’t control our kids or teach them common sense. But you stay away from my whiskey and Coke; that was my daddy’s drink, and it’s American.

Darn tootin’.

Traditional media outlets are reporting on this issue as they were expected to. “Good riddance,” they say, but what does this say about the direction of business in America?

The FDA says that the caffeine masks the alcohol and gives consumers a feeling of sobriety, when in fact they’re intoxicated. But isn’t this an issue of personal accountability? Maybe we should take all the tasty additives out of McDonald’s seasoning, because people don’t realize they’re getting fatter.

The state of Washington has already banned Four Loko after nine underage college students were stupid, drank too much and ended up in the hospital.

Thanks to Washington State Attorney General Robert McKenna, the focus has been placed on the producers of Four Loko rather than the nine freshmen who were hospitalized after drinking it. Never mind the fact that these students illegally purchased the beverage, illegally consumed it and then suffered repercussions. No, no; this is America, and in America, we need to place blame.

Hey, you! Yeah, you with the successful business idea. C’mere!

Had they been drinking vodka and Red Bull, they would have been fine, I’m sure. Next we’ll be banning Red Bull, Coke and Sprite at bars, because they make alcohol taste better. Fantastic.

The product has been called out for being geared toward college students — it’s cheap and comes in a bright can — but isn’t anyone else outraged with the stupidity of this nonsense? Is it so hard to believe that people over the age of 21 drink this stuff?

Perhaps young college students don’t have the maturity to decide whether alcoholic energy drinks are a “smart decision,” so the legal drinking age should be raised, instead. Oh, now you’re furious? Good. You should have been since you started reading this, but I’m glad you’re finally here.

Maybe this is why America’s economy is failing. People are losing their jobs because of idiots who are forcing companies out of business.

Where’s the personal accountability? Where are the people taking responsibility for their actions? Did they all move to Canada? Is the American public that dumb?

Personally, I’m not much of a drinker, but I plan to stock up on Four Loko over the weekend. It will sit on my shelf for years, and I’ll crack open a can when I’m older, euphoric and trying to remember when this country was comprised of dreamers who made something out of nothing, not a bunch of whiny fools.

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