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side bar
Friday, December 1, 2023


Satire: Fraternity member threatens to call father lawyer, actually does it


The Beta Kappa Epsilon house is under investigation for “sexual misconduct with a chicken.” | Courtesy of Getty Images

Chad Johnson-Smith, a marketing junior and member of Beta Kappa Epsilon, was allegedly assaulted at a Midtown bar last night, his bros said.

Eye-witnesses reported that Johnson-Smith was seen at the bar talking to a woman when a man, who appeared to be her boyfriend, approached him. The two allegedly then engaged in an argument which gradually became more intense.

They were asked to leave by the bartender, to whom they obliged.

“Let’s take it outside,” Johnson-Smith said.

The situation escalated when the boyfriend allegedly approached Johnson-Smith and grabbed his Lacoste polo.

“He touched my shirt, man,” Johnson-Smith said. “You don’t touch my goddamn shirt.”

This is when Johnson-Smith initially threatened to file charges.

“My dad’s a lawyer, man, you don’t want to mess with me,” he said.

But the boyfriend didn’t care.

“Oh, what’re you gonna do, sue me?” the boyfriend said.

To which Johnson-Smith said he would.

Johnson-Smith then immediately pulled out his phone and called his father, Alfred Johnson, founder of Alfred Johnson Legal Firm.

Alfred Johnson Legal Firm is a defense firm which specializes in cases involving minor disputes among upper-class men in college.

“Chad was totally gonna mess him up, man,” said another member of the fraternity, who only referred to himself as “Schmitty.”

Mackenzie St. Paul, Johnson-Smith’s ex girlfriend, said this is not the first time he has threatened to call his father.

“Sometimes he would pull out his iPhone and wave it in people’s faces,” St. Paul said. “He’s such a total jerk and I hate his stupid face.”

Alfred Johnson Legal Firm released a statement saying “a subpoena will be issued to the man who assaulted my so… I mean my client. Legal charges will be issued and we expect just compensation for the traumatic experience that young Chad had to go through.”

The bartender could not be reached for comment.

Opinion editor Anthony Torres is a political science junior and may be reached at [email protected]

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