SATIRE: HillaryBot2016 readies to defeat Sanders after update

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With the recent string of losses to Sen. Bernie Sanders, senior campaign staffers have decided to add software updates to the HillaryBot2016.

The campaign season has already seen many key updates that have solidified the campaign into a national contender including the “Russia Update,” the “Real Emotions Update,” and the long-awaited “Keystone Pipeline Update.”

The campaign hopes that improvements to the HillaryBot will mean victories in the upcoming Washington and California primaries and the always crucial North Dakota caucuses.

According to sources within the Hillary campaign, the HillaryBot can be heard quietly repeating, “This was not in the scenarios I predicted,” even in low-power mode, which worried political staffer Huma Abedin.

“We really hope by adding these updates, we will make sure the HillaryBot is able to pander to every possible voting bloc,” said Robby Mook, Hillary’s campaign manager. “We had not expected that the Zodiac Killer would get into the race and be so insatiably popular with millennials. We truly thought we would only be facing a man that was more likely to be a Simpson’s character than the president.”

Reporters close to senior staffers in the Hillary campaign confirm that there had not been an earlier update to combat Sanders as they took him to be a confused, elderly Doc Brown cosplayer.

“After many long and tedious nights from the team, we have finally put together an update that can truly combat the Larry David look-a-like,” said Elan Kriegel, director of analytics for the campaign. “We’re calling it the ‘Beat Bernie Update.’ We think it’s the best update we’ve put out.”

Included are more socialist-sounding words and Bernie-sounding phrases such as “the 1 percent,” “Wall Street corporations,” and “the billionaire class” to appeal to the senator’s supporters.

Rumors suggest that this update is set to expire right before the HillaryBot gives her nomination acceptance speech to the DNC National Convention to become, in the HillaryBot’s words, “Supreme Leader of the World.”

The campaign is also set to install the vaunted “Millennial Update.” It will include talking points about college debt and marijuana legalization and phrases such as “dab,” “lit,” and “turnt.”

The campaign is scheduled to train the HillaryBot in using these phrases correctly.

Mook revealed that there will be more updates in the pipeline. 

“Seeing as California has a large Hispanic population, we hope to install an ‘Authentic Hispanic Update,’ giving the HillaryBot an affinity for queso and Cinco de Mayo,” Mook said.

Regarding these updates, Sanders’ camp responded with a 30-minute answer that included — for some reason — the fact that he has raised more than $130 million for his campaign with the average donation being only $27. 

Opinion columnist Jorden Smith is a political science junior and president of the College Republicans. He can be reached at [email protected]