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Friday, January 28, 2022

Columns

Satire: Sanders, Stein and Johnson prep for debate


In a surprising move to some, Bernie Sanders has decided that he will take his revolution to the debate stage and throw his hat in the ring for the presidential election despite not being able to do so.

It seems Sanders has finally gone over the edge. Although his colleagues and wife are asking him to stop, Sanders has decided to ignore everyone and has set up a tent in front of the Hofstra University media filing center.

The university will host the debate from 8 to 9:30 p.m. local time on Monday without commercial breaks.

“Yes, that’s right, I am back and so are my supporters. You see, there they are,” Sanders said, pointing to two trees in the distance. “I am here because I am a no-nonsense politician. That’s it, really, anyway. You will see… you will see.” 

This is getting ridiculous. After the interview, he was seen talking to a shoe he found near the trash, calling it the bird of his revolution, and trying to place it on his finger. Aren’t we at the point where someone needs to intervene?

Hofstra University Police arrived shortly after Sanders turned up. They came prepared for anything, unsure if he was on campus to literally fight someone over tuition costs that are up to $40,000 this year or because of the debate.

UPDATE 1 p.m.: What started as just Sanders has turned into a catastrophe. Both Libertarian Party nominee Gary Johnson and Green Party nominee Jill Stein have joined Sanders with their own tents, but it’s not to force their names onto the debate stage.

They have both donned Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton masks and have claimed to be the presidential nominees.

That’s right, the two candidates who have minuscule chance of getting 15 percent of the vote have decided that the only way to the White House is a $5 mask. There’s also the hope that millions of Americans can be fooled by their charade.

When asked if they realized what they were doing was the last nail in the coffin, both candidates refused to break character.

“What? No, no, no — I have been told by an extremely reliable source that this will work. I’m telling you, believe me,” Johnson said. “Listen, please, I am telling you that I am Donald J. Trump and I will make America great again. Believe me.”

Stein’s response was even more ridiculous. After the reporters asked her a barrage of questions, she did the only thing she could think of.

“Cough,” Stein said before jumping in the nearby bushes and pretending like the reporters were gone.

This may be just a play for more media coverage by both candidates, but this is starting to get scary. When reporters finally left, all three politicians were taking turns role-playing the debate as if it were actually happening.

Also, their stage was a field and their audience were a bunch of squirrels plus the guy who walks around campus persuading everyone to vote.

Opinion editor Frank Campos is a media production senior and can be reached at [email protected]

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