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Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Columns

SATIRE: Essential rules for Election Day


i_voted_sticker

Soon, you will be a proud member of an exclusive club with a sticker to show off for one full day. | File photo/The Cougar

Next week, people will go to the polls and cast a ballot for their favorite candidate who was on television the most over the past year.

For some of you, this will be the first time that you vote. There is contradictory information out there about how to handle Election Day that needs to be corrected.

Do not worry — this column will walk you through the process and ensure that it is a fun and pleasurable day.

The first thing to debunk is that there is a need to learn about the candidates. Just vote as your parents do; they are, after all, providing you a home once you graduate. Make sure you vote to improve their lives.

You can still vote if you haven’t registered. The Libertarian Party has erased the bureaucracy of having to fill out the voter card and present your ID to the county.

Democrats and Republicans will try to tell people to register, but that is because one of the parties will finally lose, and it wants to use that data to show voter fraud.

When you arrive, you will find quite a few campaign volunteers standing outside and checking your qualifications to vote. They will want to see a passport, a college transcript (if you don’t have a 4.0 GPA) and a certified form confirming your parent’s residence.

Remember, you must vote from your home address. If you are an out-of-state student or non-Houstonian, you will need to fly home Nov. 28 to vote.

Or is it the 11th? I’m not really sure.

When you arrive at the voting booths, no need to bring an ID if you are an American.  That law is just for the rapists, murderers, poor and those who live in hell. Just have your best friend, who remember to bring her ID, vouch that you are a registered voter and you will be fine.

Do not rush because you suddenly get a dry and rough throat.  The voting workers have cranked up the heat if you are a Democrat voting in a Republican district and vice versa.

It is going to be hot in the booth, so make sure you stay hydrated by bringing a 40 with you.

If you can’t remember the day to vote is on the 7, 8, 9, or 10, we have absentee ballots just in case you miss the voting day (actually Nov. 8). You can go to your polling place and ask for an absentee ballot because you were absent on election night for up to three days after.

Now, just like your professor, the government will punish you for being absent, so your vote after the 7th will be worth half of one Election-Day vote. It’s only worth a quarter if you vote on the 9th, but that might be enough to swing the election.

So sit back and don’t stress about your vote because the two major political party campaigns will throw out most of the ballots. If that doesn’t work, your vote will be diluted by millions of dead people, who are going to be excavated and wheeled to the polls so they can illegally vote.

Enjoy Election Day!

Opinion columnist Cari Netemeyer is a creative writing senior and can be reached at [email protected] 

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