Satire: Upper Deck cites lack of role as reason for transfer
University infrastructure across the nation was collectively shook Friday — not from forces of tectonics, nor a raucous capacity crowd — but when senior seating-option Upper Deck revealed plans to transfer from UH.
The bombshell announcement comes just hours after the Cougars blew a 17-0 halftime lead en route to inevitably falling to Memphis 42-38. Sparingly used yet again, like much of his four seasons at the University, the once highly-touted balcony says its time for a change — although no decision has been made on where the senior will land.
Visibly frustrated and utterly neglected, Deck took to the podium to address media Friday.
“Look, I don’t know, man. I came here because I thought I was needed, but clearly the last four years have proven otherwise,” Deck said. “I’ve gotta get out of here now if I want any chance to seat at the next level. I just wanna say good luck to my teammates: Lower Bowl, Club Level, General Admission and even you, Mezzanine. I wish these structures nothing but the best moving forward.”
The move is being called cowardly by some, understandable by others, but unprecedented by all.
Deck will yellowtape the remainder of the 2017 season and gain a fifth year of eligibility immediately upon his return next fall.
“I mean, c’mon,” the Cougars’ former nosebleeds said. “My bleachers aren’t even getting dirty here. No really. They haven’t sprayed me in months. I used to leave these games covered in spilled booze and nacho cheese. Now I’m lucky to even have hot dog crumbs.”
Deck said his decision is in part due to the increased role that fellow senior Student Section has taken on in recent seasons.
Many speculated that bad blood was growing between the two, but Deck said he’s been fully understanding of Section’s success and that his own lack of a role is not the fault of Deck.
“That was all fake news, if we’re being honest — just a bunch of he-said-she-said,” Deck added. “Student (Section) and I have had a great relationship. He’s earned his role. The guy single-handedly brings the stadium’s energy each week. It doesn’t matter who we’re playing: Tennessee Tech? He’s full. Tulane? At capacity. Freaking Rice? Let’s just say the fire marshal nearly had a hernia.”
His high-praises for Section come after earlier criticisms of taking plays off and disappearing late in games. Deck said that through a maturing process, he’s come to the realization that without Section’s efforts, home-game environments would feel even more like a “glorified high school” but “with less spit-swapping in the concourse.”
Deck says he will spend the remainder of the 2017 season and the ensuing offseason preparing for the move that is expected to be one of the greatest, and most unusual, feats in the history of construction.
In fact, UH Professor of Architectural Engineering Bill D. Well said that the sheer magnitude and scale of Deck’s move is the first he’s seen in his more than 30 years of experience.
“Listen, I’ve been around the block a few times, but nothing compares to this,” Well said. “You’re talking about moving an entire level of seating to a new location. How is that even done? Where do you begin? It really just makes you question everything you’ve ever learned. Hell, a lot could go wrong.”
Regardless, Deck is sure that he will be able to return even stronger and in time for the 2018 season.
Although no determination has been made as to which campus will land Deck’s services, sources close to the situation say a possible reunion with former head coach Tom Herman in Austin could be in the works. A largely unknown freshman prior to Herman’s arrival, Deck set career highs in capacity and ticket sales multiple times under the former head coach.
Although UT is the presumed favorite to land the economic seating option, intrastate rivals Baylor, TCU and Texas A&M have yet to be ruled out.
Regardless of where he ends up, rest assured each one of his give-or-take 15,000 seats will be put to immediate use.
For Deck, it’s a dream come true.
“Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t have the structural integrity to go seat at a school like Baylor,” he said. “I can bring a lot to the seating chart and I got a literal heart of steel, Houston just didn’t care to fill my seats. My concrete wasn’t mixed to spend Saturday’s alone.”