Congratulations, Cougar. If you are reading this post, it means you survived 2013; however, I’d like to believe that not only did you survive, but you thrived.
You are the one who sat through the influx of “new year, new me” posts that infected all forms of social media without posting that “no one cares,” even though you wanted to. You are the one who survived the holidays with the extended family. When the nosy relative was much too inquisitive about that vague Facebook status you posted months before, you resisted the urge to block them from seeing your posts. Not only did you survive all the aforementioned, you made it through New Year’s Eve.
Following is a list of a few people one might have encountered on New Year’s Eve, whether the night involved leaving the house or not.
The Lover: This individual — typically a female, but let’s not discriminate — is overly sentimental regarding the year that is slowly slipping away. This person will often pull unsuspecting friends into uncomfortably lengthy hugs so that they may explain to the friend how very lucky they are to have been privileged enough to remain best friends for another year — crying optional.
The Creep: This is the person who joins a New Year’s Eve group that they have never met before. This group has never met the Creep; this group has never seen the Creep. Despite the fact that the Creep introduced themselves to every person in the group upon intrusion, no one can actually recall this person’s name — Bob or Cecilia Somebody. Since it is New Year’s Eve, the group will typically let this individual follow along — after all, it’s a celebratory night.
The Recluse: This person does not leave their home on New Year’s Eve. They can sometimes be found in a Snuggie and fuzzy socks. It is usually because they are unable to make plans, do not feel the need to make plans or believe it’s unsafe to be traveling the roads on New Year’s Eve — which it actually is.
The Ghost: This person is similar to the Recluse on New Year’s Eve in that they cannot be found. The Ghost — also known as the Butterfly — becomes acquainted with every person at the party and disappears. Friends of this partier will laugh at the Ghost’s impressive Where’s Waldo hiding skills, but will become irritated and worried as the night progresses. Never fear — the Ghost will reappear, usually in the middle of the midnight countdown. Don’t bother asking where the Ghost has been, because they will say, “I passed right by you a few times. How did you not see me?”
The Overachiever: This zealous, hyperactive person is the friend who starts making New Year’s Eve plans on Thanksgiving Day. They will spend the next month attempting to get their friends enthusiastic about this special night; however, when the night actually arrives, this person quickly becomes exhausted and is asleep and drooling on a couch before midnight. This person either claims to be tired from work or will become drunk so quickly and effectively that they pass out.
The Romeo: This character is typically a male, but can sometimes be a female. This person enjoys kissing as many people as possible when midnight strikes. Do not allow yourself to be kissed by a Romeo who has just been in a mouth orgy with half of the room. The Romeo is known to kiss more random lips in the first two minutes of the New Year than most will kiss for the remaining 364 days.
The Hot-Head: This is the individual who either drunk or stupid enough — sometimes both — to stand dangerously close to fireworks. This genius will ask questions like, “So how hot do you think the explosions are?” and “If I duct-taped this rocket to the back of a skateboard and then laid on it, do you think I would lift off the ground?” The directions on the firework say to give the Dragonball-Spectacular-New-Year’s-Rock-A-Thon a 20-foot radius; Hot-Head will ask to light the monster firework, and then he will stand close enough to feel the sparks. Keep 911 on speed dial.
The Weeper: This individual is self-explanatory and is almost always a girl. The Weeper will get excessively drunk and then bring in the New Year with mascara streaking her face. She will not recall why she was so upset when friends ask on New Year’s Day.
Now that New Year’s Eve is over, maybe people can make it a New Year’s resolution to try not to be some of these people for the remainder of 2014. However, it is very entertaining to watch, so if you do continue your hilarious shenanigans in 2014, be safe about it.
Senior staff columnist Kelly Schafler is a print journalism junior and may be reached at [email protected]
