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Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Columns

Hot Take Friday: Mini opinions about big issues


We are all dumber for having spent time on the white-tailed squirrel. | Thom Dwyer/TheCougar

This week for Hot Take Friday, instead of writing one column with a streamlined and solid opinion, we’re writing many opinions that we think are important. Here at The Cougar’s opinion section, we strive to have an opinion about everything. So today, here are our opinions about a variety of very important issues.

These hot takes do not merit a full-length column, but are still hot enough to be aired publicly.

In the world of opinion, the hottest takes are considered especially heinous. At The Cougar, the dedicated editors and writers who instigate these vicious takes are members of an annoying gaggle known as the Opinion Section. These are their takes. *dun dun*

Walking in front of the stadium garage

This is a big problem, especially in the very busy moments right between classes where everyone and their mother are trying to get in and out of the stadium garage. But, as people are trying to get in and out of said garage, students are walking in front of the entrance as slowly as possible. I have come to believe that this area is a time vortex where everything moves more slowly.

If you’re in front of the garage, walk quickly. There are people trying to turn off the street. Be considerate of others — it’s not difficult.

Alex Jones has a point sometimes

Before you come for my — as the youths say — wig, listen to me. The government has done some very messed up things; the Gulf of Tonkin and Operation Northwoods come to mind. Now, I’m not saying he is sane or correct or a good person, or literally anything complimentary.

But, you cannot look me in the eye and say that Bohemian Grove is not insanely creepy. And I think we can all agree that there’s a very good chance someone in the government has totally experimented with human-animal hybrids.

Again, I’m not saying he’s right about the inter-dimensional pedophilic vampires; I’m saying sometimes there’s a chance he’s right.

‘The Lion King’ is overrated

There, I said it. I don’t like the movie or plot, and the only engaging character whom I felt remotely like rooting for was the one guy who screwed everyone else over.

Oh, and the music. Don’t get me started on the music. If you think today’s fandoms are bad, try telling someone who obsesses over this movie that there are far better Disney films out there.

The white-tailed squirrel

For those of you fortunate enough to not know what I’m talking about, the white-tailed squirrel was literally just a squirrel with a white tail. It did nothing special, was of no actual merit, and basically just annoyed people for food.

Do you remember Ben Wyatt’s reaction to Lil’ Sebastian and how he could not comprehend why everyone in Pawnee was in love with a miniature horse? The same principle applies here.

When the white-tailed squirrel died, everyone and their mother hopped on the wagon and pretended it had been some sort of campus institution. Hint: It hadn’t.

There was a funeral, the squirrel was stuffed, and there are still rumors circulating about which on-campus refrigerated housed the corpse in the meantime. The only special thing about this squirrel happened after its death.

Public displays of affection should be a criminal offense

There is nothing more disgusting than seeing two people you don’t know publicly display their affection for each other. It is an unwarranted and vile act that nobody should be forced to witness. By enforcing criminal punishments towards these displays, it will allow decent folk to walk the streets knowing these perpetrators are behind bars.

In this case, the punishment will fit the crime. Something along the lines of holding hands will be met with a swift warning from NKVD Officers (no kissing, very displeasing). However, if the arms are swinging while holding hands, it will be an automatic $300 fine with a state-mandated Public Display of No Affection re-education course.

If a couple is caught kissing in any public entity, the pair will be sentenced to one year of hard labor in the Canadian province, Minnesota. There will be no trial and no parole offered for first-time offenses.

If the act is committed in or near a government entity, the fine will be doubled along with another year of hard labor. For more lewd acts, the couple will be deported indefinitely for the remainder of their natural lives.

These punishments are more than generous, but harsh enough to make any would-be offender think twice.

We hope you’ve enjoyed these takes. Reminder: you are not allowed to disagree.

Jorden, Tony and Kristin are (somehow) all seniors and in various CLASS degree programs. They can be reached at [email protected]

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