Houston (6-4, 5-1 C-USA) What the hell? Judge Dredd knows he wasn’t the only thinking or exclaiming those words after the Cougars demoralized the Golden Hurricane on Saturday night. Judge Dredd said in the last issue of his power rankings that football games are not won on paper and the Cougars had a chance, but even he and his freakin’ awesome, omnipresent laser eyes didn’t see that one coming. The Cougars went to Sam’s, bought an industrial-sized "Can O’ Whoopass" and ripped that bad boy open so violently the shockwaves propelled them to a 70-30 win over the then-No. 25 team in the nation and to the top of Judge Dredd’s Super Awesome Power Rankings. Rice (7-3, 5-1 C-USA)
Before its bye week, Rice had pulled off four consecutive wins. Considering how badly Tulsa got its butt kicked on Saturday by UH, the Owls pretty much stay at the No. 2 spot by default. It’s starting to look like the Nov. 29 matchup between the Cougars and the Owls will be for more than just bragging rights and the Bayou Bucket. Tulsa (8-2, 5-1 C-USA)
Thanks to this stupid team, Judge Dredd’s job is a lot harder. Conference USA is now wide open with no clear favorite for the title. Judge Dredd would put the team out of its misery, but he figured that might make for some schedule conflicts next season. East Carolina (6-4, 4-2 C-USA)
That’s it – Judge Dredd can’t hold back anymore. He said he wouldn’t tell any Pee Dee the purple pirate jokes until ECU fell under .500, but losing to Southern Miss was the last straw. So Pee Dee the purple pirate fills out a job application at a fast-food joint and checks "yes" in the box that asks if you’ve ever been convicted of a felony. The interviewer notices and asks what he served time for. Pee Dee answers, "Argh, I stole some booty!" Get it? Pirates?Texas-El Paso (5-5, 4-2 C-USA)
Saturday’s game should be very interesting. The Cougars and the Miners are two teams that must forget about defense and just put crazy amounts of points on the scoreboard to win. The Cougars have been a little better at doing it so far, though. Judge Dredd isn’t the only one thinking "shootout" going into the contest.
Memphis (5-5, 3-3 C-USA)
Some might view it as inappropriate to use the Tigers’ space to talk about the Miami Dolphins again, especially since Memphis has pulled off two consecutive wins. Well, Judge Dredd is pretty sure those sissies don’t have their own published power rankings. With that said, kudos to the Dolphins, who improved to 6-4 with their win over the Raiders on Sunday. Southern Miss (5-6, 3-4 C-USA)
The Golden Eagles are back from the dead after a disappointing 2-6 start. Saturday’s hard-nosed 21-3 win over East Carolina was third in a row for Southern Miss, and the Golden Eagles are only one win away from bowl-eligibility. They will take this weekend off before traveling to Dallas to face C-USA whipping boy Southern Methodist in a very winnable game. Marshall (4-6, 3-3 C-USA)
After two consecutive losses, the Thundering Herd finds itself in do-or-die mode. Marshall needs to beat Rice and Tulsa in its last two games to become eligible for a postseason bowl, but the odds of this happening are extremely slim. So don’t bet your house on it.
Central Florida (3-7, 2-4 C-USA)
The Golden Knights are out of the postseason picture, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try to spoil some other teams’ dreams. Saturday’s 30-14 thumping of Marshall all but pushed the Thundering Herd off the cliff, and UCF will try to do the same with Memphis this weekend.
Alabama-Birmingham (3-7, 2-4 C-USA)
The Blazers’ postseason aspirations were killed long ago, but they had a lot of fun while toying with Tulane’s bedraggled defense in Saturday’s 41-24 whipping. Junior quarterback Joe Webb had the most fun, rushing for a game-high 130 yards and three touchdowns. Tulane (2-8, 1-5 C-USA)
Saturday’s thrashing at the hands of UAB makes six consecutive losses and counting for the Green Wave. In four of those losses, Tulane has given up at least 41 points. With games against Tulsa and Memphis remaining, it looks like the Green Wave is headed toward a 2-10 finish.
Southern Methodist (1-10, 0-7 C-USA)
Soon, it’ll be all over for the Shetland Ponies. Another loss will leave them with the same 1-11 finish from last season. Yeah, it’s safe to say head coach June Jones will need another season or two to get this sorry bunch turned around.
