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Thursday, November 30, 2023


Chipotle’s yearly success leads to something unimaginably evil: a possible increase in menu prices

Lovers of the black bean, of the pimiento cheese, of the excess, I applaud you for your failure to conform to our godforsaken society that rejects a calorie as a toxin to be abhorred. To those who answer “yes” unflinchingly to that useless invocation of whether or not you’d like an extra scoop of guacamole on your cornucopia of lard, you’re a true American hero. After all, we all know that the question shouldn’t be asking us whether or not we’d like an extra scoop — rather, how many scoops of that creamy goodness we’d prefer.

Your rejection of the aesthetic is one of the many things that divide you from the pack. Subsequent cellulite and exhaustion is a fair price to pay for that tangy barbacoa, those tender, succulent strips of chicken carnitas that make your heart pound in a way that no spouse will ever be able to emulate.

Reader, I ask — nay, beg — of you to try your best to keep it together. Please resist the urge, at all costs, to vomit up those pinto beans and sour cream that you and I both know are currently coating your stomach when you read what I’m about to tell you.

As reported by The Huffington Post, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. reported better-than-expected sales around the nation. Because of this, the franchise is now considering raising prices, roughly in the middle of 2014.

Chipotle, a restaurant known for using only organically procured ingredients, has cited the high cost of California avocados and salsa as the reason they are considering the price hike. The eatery outperformed Consensus Metrix’s estimation of a 4.7% increase, with a 6.2% increase for their last 2013 quarter. That’s some pretty terrible news.

According to the New York Daily News, Chipotle was the first national restaurant to release which of their ingredients contained genetically-modified organisms. The restaurant received praise for being so forthcoming about something so increasingly taboo.

In a way, announcing this information to the public was the best way the restaurant could’ve continued catering to the fan of overabundance without losing their health-cautious customer base.

Daily Finance reports the lack of an increase in prices as one of the largest victories of Chipotle’s massive takeaway this quarter. In other words, Chipotle made a killing this quarter, and not because they had planned it that way. It was a result of some successful logistical moves, like making information on their GMO-containing products available to the public.

So there you have it, reader. It’s important in trying times like these to be happy for those whom we love and try not to let our selfish motivations and inherent collegiate poorness control our emotions.

Instead, let’s try to reflect on all of those amazing things this hallowed establishment has done for us. Think of those soft, fluffy flour tortillas that have encapsulated so many of our most precious memories. Imagine the cool, refreshing crunch of that delectably fresh lettuce as it contrasts perfectly with that shy, subtle scoop of corn salsa, drenched in piquant salsa. Think of the juicy meats, the warm cheeses, the flavors — and dream of the smiles.

I see you’re crying again. Don’t worry, reader. This’ll get easier with time.

Senior staff columnist Cara Smith is a communications junior and may be reached at [email protected]


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