Satire: Astros decide ‘Clutch City’ nickname more important than winning


Infographic by Courtney Williams/The Cougar

On Monday, the Astros decided to give up their 6-2 lead in game four of the American League Division series. They decided that Houston needed to live up to its “clutch city” nickname and really go for a dramatic finish.

Manager A.J. Hinch spread the word in the dugout, saying “Fella’s, I know we have this game in the bag, but we really need more national coverage, and Carlos is getting antsy.”

Carlos Correa, 21, is believed to be the one who convinced Hinch this was necessary. Correa allegedly told Hinch that the weather is better in Kansas City around this time of year, and he “really, really wants to try Missouri barbecue.”

Hinch thought for a moment, approached the pitcher’s mound, and after a long, five-second discussion, he decided Correa was right.

To make it look natural, Correa conspired with Royals’ designated hitter Kendrys Morales, telling him to “hit it right to me.” The shortstop then proceeded to miss a hard-hit grounder that went straight through his glove, which Correa had cut a hole through.

The Royals proceeded to then score seven runs in two innings, passing up the Astros, giving them want they wanted.

This is all obviously an ingenious, elaborate plot.

The Astros’ last couple of seasons were plagued with low TV ratings and poor fan turnout, so this time they really need to milk as much viewership as they can to make up for the past.

Houston truly is “Clutch City,” and A.J. Hinch made the right decision to help Houston continue its legacy. Seeing as how this is the first time in 10 years that the Astros have made the playoffs, it only makes sense that a heightened level of anxiety be placed in the mix to keep fans on their toes.


Opinion editor Anthony Torres is a political science junior and may be reached at [email protected]

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