America’s new messiah is more affable, less abstruse, doesn’t talk as much about metaphysical sword swallowers and is willing to absolve you of the responsibilities of free will rather than giving you more. He’ll make life’s difficult choices for you: how to make and spend your money, enjoy your leisure, care for yourself – in short, how to throw off the shackles of individuality and become one with the collective.
Barack Obama delivered his ivory-tower dream from on high to America’s hoi polloi at the 2008 Democratic National Convention. He is truly a messiah in whom the vulgar masses can be – and will remain – in stupefied awe with.
Don’t allow yourself to become too stupefied, though. Obama has a plan to save every one of us, and since the giant Borg-cube of heaven and plenty hasn’t come, yet, that means resources are needed. You are needed. But nor should you worry too much – even Jesus said "Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s." With a benevolent Federal Reserve that can materialize money out of thin air, the problem of taxation is really moot.
And if the fear mongers’ inflationary sermonizing comes to pass, and you find yourself remembering the gluttonous pleasure with which you consumed so many cheap Chinese goods, just remember that it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven. Obama hasn’t forgotten. Truly, he is a messiah in whom we can exult.
Obama doesn’t trip over pride, either. Unlike Jesus, always harping on his pristine, Davidic ancestry, Obama is careful to mention for those who may not know, or who are confused by his and his wife’s Ivy League lineage, that he doesn’t "fit the typical pedigree."Obama knows that government "programs can’t replace parents" and "that fathers must take more responsibility for providing the love and guidance their children need." He understands no amount of alcoholism or drug abuse can sully a father’s love, and in the patriarchal glow of Obamatocracy, there will be plenty for all.
Last, but not least, so what if Obama can’t resurrect Lazarus? Jesus was always threatening, "How long shall I be with you?" whenever the sick would come to him or preferring instead to forgive their sins. Obama’s plan is all-inclusive and focuses on the short-term fixes we all need to survive rather than the transcendental long-term.
Besides, our all-American moral basis absolves us of the pathetically human moral hazard problem harassing Canadians and their system. Because our doctors provide care out of their endless wells of sympathy and love, we need not worry about decreasing supplies of doctors or quality of service as compensation for these benevolent comrades falls.
Have no fear, America. Jesus is here, and he’s backing Barack Obama.
Granger, an economics and political science senior, can be reached via [email protected]
