The kingdom of heaven is nigh, America! But don’t be alarmed, Salvation is featured on the local news at 5 for your viewing pleasure, so you can watch the professional media establishment follow the Messiah and his apostles of the new millennia combat the blights of pride, greed and wrath, all from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy.
The latest crusader is Sen. John McCain, embracing his role as revelator of the coming apocalypse, preparing the path for the ascendant Messiah.
Ivy League pearls of wisdom on those who love him and hasten his Obamatocracy, granting guidance on everything from personal finance and health to familial obligations, thereby absolving you of all responsibility.
McCain understands the pitfalls of pride and prepares the day for Messiah-ascendant on noon, Jan. 20, 2009, diligently warning Americans against insolently demanding oil and energy resources from those who could provide it efficiently, when we have the more moral, if isolationist, means to provide it ourselves.
McCain knows Americans might be unprepared to take the path our new Messiah will direct us down, but understands we cannot afford to exchange the products of our labor freely with nations of brown people, and is unafraid to agitate for the production of battery-charged vehicles or alternative energy sources through subsidies and magnanimous dictate.
McCain’s choice of Gov. Sarah Palin as vice presidential candidate shows how the many may help the few via blank-check funding for abandoned state projects and questionable bridges, while McCain shows us how to remain busy by reversing positions on everything from abortion and gay marriage rights to NRA lobbyists’ influence on public policy and coastal drilling.
The old Messiah said, "You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come." McCain is "not afraid" of the "many threats in this dangerous world" because he knows "how the world works" and "the good and evil in it," which is why he’s lending unwitting support to the coming Obamatocracy.
What is an apocalypse without an antichrist? McCain is right on this, too, for "it is the last hour and just as you heard that the antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have appeared; from this we know that it is the last hour."
There is no one more dangerous than Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, to fulfill this prophecy: "They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us."
Paul’s "Rally for the Republic" in Minneapolis, Minn. drew almost 10,000 gullible pushovers to his cause in pompous contravention of their future cause for righteousness in the Obamatocracy apparatus.
Soon after officially declaiming his enmity to goodness on March 12, 2007, Paul rallied other would-be crusaders to his provocative cause. The Ron Paul-a-palooza gathering opposite the Iowans for Tax Relief and Iowa Christian Alliance debate and rally on June 30, 2007 saw around 1,000 impressionable individuals, more than at the debate itself, abandoning their true cause to fraternize with Paul’s raucous freedom-lovers.
If such a balefully pernicious man as Ron Paul can amass such a force, then surely it is the fulfillment of the warning "Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many" in the end times.
Repent, America, and to the polling booth to claim an Obamatocracy for all!
Granger, an economics and political science senior, can be reached via [email protected]
