I am astounded by advice for the bedroom.
However, none of it seems to really apply to male college students. Most of the sex columns I read in men’s magazines seem to be all about working sex into a busy work schedule.
In women’s magazines, it seems to be all about “driving your man wild.”
Meanwhile, all my friends seem to be a wealth of knowledge of all things sexual. Plus, because I have written a sex column for more than a semester now, everyone seems to believe that I have plethora of advice to give.
I don’t.
I know a few things, some of which will never be printed out of fear that my mother might read them. So in light of that, here is my advice for the college male.
Always make sure you know which direction the bed runs. Nothing ruins the mood like falling off the bed and taking her down with you.
Women are delicate creatures who do not bounce when thrown to the floor. So before you roll over, move your hand to the area you wish to be in, and if you feel the edge of the bed, don’t roll over.
You can only be so creative when you are in a car.
I have had two cars that have had almost no back seat. When you do anything in a car, you have to be able to quickly get back into a seated position and pretend you are just listening to music in a second’s notice.
In turn, there is a 35 percent rule. No one should have more than 35 percent of their body on the other person’s side of the car. Any more and it looks like you are having sex in your car.
But if you have thrown caution into the wind and decide to go for it while in your car, don’t lie when you get caught. Cops don’t believe that old story about how you are looking for a girl’s missing earring.
Besides, any other explanation for being on top of someone in a dark abandoned part of the road is much worse than having sex.
Sending a sexual text message or e-mail doesn’t turn her on; she just shows it to her friends. If you have to say something of a sexual nature to someone, call him or her on the phone.
Only people who write sex columns should have a written record of their sex lives.
As someone with a written record, it’s not as fun as you would think. Some people tease you in public, while others write bad things about you on the Internet.
When it comes to safe sex, never use a condom that you didn’t buy, and never trust the pill by itself.
Condoms have expiration dates, storage requirements and a whole bunch of other specifics that — if neglected — will void their effectiveness. So take the condom out of your back wallet and throw it away.
One solution is to buy condoms and keep them in a cool space that’s hidden from other people in your house.
When it comes to a special night away from home that you didn’t plan, there are two options. You can either leave to buy protection or practice self-control.
If you are in a long-term relationship, buy some condoms and ask if you can “leave these here.” I stress the ask part because it’s rude to assume you can stash condoms throughout a girl’s residence.
If you’re embarrassed about buying condoms, turn it into a game where you try to embarrass the clerk.
Buy strange objects that should not go together with condoms. The strangest look I ever got was when I bought two large Red Bulls, burn ointment and condoms. I don’t know why this made me feel more at ease, but it did.
If you are a college male, learn from my mistakes. These were all things that I failed to do at one point.
If I hadn’t done them at the time, my life would be so much easier now.
