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Friday, July 1, 2022


Sequels that should never be made

There are a lot of bad sequels made. Few ever live up to their potential, and even more destroy the characters and storyline of their predecessor. Thankfully, this list is completely fictional. If you have not seen any of the movies below, the ending will be ruined. So spoiler alert, folks.

“No Country For Old Men 2” and “Some Country For Young men”

Starring Tommy Lee Jones, Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas and Javier Bardem

Where they left off:

Ed Tom Bell (Jones) was in mid-sentence.

What happens next:

Ed Tom Bell finishes his sentence, which concludes nothing, and goes off the Maim to team up with Crockett (Johnson) and Tubbs (Thomas) to stop Anton Chigurh (Bardem). Chigurh, who had to have his arm amputated after a car accident, has replaced his missing limb with an air pressured bazooka. He is running Miami like Scarface.

“Million Dollar Baby 2” and “Five Dollar Adolescent”

Starring Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank and Crispin Glover

Where they left off:

There is some talk about the meaning of a nickname and Frankie Dunn (Eastwood) kills Maggie Fitzgerald (Swank) by euthanasia.

What happens next:

Fitzgerald is dead, so the whole movie is pretty much akin Tom Petty’s music video “Last Dance with Mary Jane,” minus the drug references.

“A Beautiful Mind 2” and “The Slightly Attractive Brain”

Starring Russell Crowe

Where they left off:

Crazy guy won the Nobel Prize.

What happens next:

Russell Crowe explains the insight to Nash’s prisoner’s dilemma, a la Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” for 3 hours.

“American Beauty 2” or “Canadian Ugliness”

Starring Alex Trebek, Brendan Fraser, Neve Campbell and Pamela Anderson

Where they left off:

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) gets shot and dies. The beauty of the atypical American family is left up to the judgment of the audience.

What happens next:

Burham’s soul invades Alex Trabek’s body and is forced to host Canadian celebrity Jeopardy. What hell is like is left up to the judgment of the audience.

“Rebel without a Cause 2” and “Hipster without a purpose”

Starring Jonah Hill and Michael Cera

Where they left off:

Judy (Natile Wood) is intruded to Jim’s (James Dean) parents.

What happens next:

Fifty years pass, and Jonah Hill is Jim; he and Judy’s grandson just sit around and look for red jackets that look like his grandfather’s because that is both ironic and retro.

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